It’s full of a whole big list of things that I’m “supposed to” do and be.

But where did this list come from, and why do I feel so constrained by it? I guess it’s from my childhood, the experiences that have made me who I am today, but it’s time to start letting go of some of them.

1. I’m not really that independent, even though I say I am and I like to think I am. I’d much rather be with the people I care about than be alone. Even when I’m cranky. A lot of times, even when I say I want to be. (I don’t even like going grocery shopping alone.)
2. When you’re smart, it doesn’t mean you have all the answers, all the time. Paul and I have argued about this more than once … he’ll ask me a question, and I’ll snap back: “why would you expect me to know that?” Innocently, he’ll respond, “because you usually do know the answers to my questions.” The problem isn’t with Paul; it’s with me. Why do I feel so defensive about not having the answer?
3. The tough thing about being perceived as strong is that it can rob you of the chance to be weak. If I hadn’t found a couple of people with whom I can be truly vulnerable, unfiltered,  I’d be exhausted. Those special people are rare and I treasure them, though I often forget to let them know it.

… when people you don’t really like, think that you like them a lot.

Does that make me a bad person, or just a good liar?

Every once in a while, you’re missing the bad cop.

Last Thursday, a few friends and I decided to defy our advancing age and go out dancing on a school night. (Okay, it was really a work night, but that doesn’t sound as fun.)

There’s this great little place in New Paltz called Cabaloosa (or “Cabs,” which has a terrible web site, but I try not to hold it against them) that does an 80s night every Thursday. The place is so New Paltz … it’s a crunchy, friendly, eclectic blend of every type of person. The straights and the gays coexist peacefully … even happily … and I really enjoy it.

I volunteered to drive us over there, and so Lee, Jimmy, Scotty, Mike and I piled into the Civic and made our way over the Mid Hudson Bridge. (Luis and Peter would be meeting us there.)

As we’re heading up 9W, Jimmy commented how dim my headlights seemed. True to form, I told him (honestly) that I hadn’t noticed, and that if there was anything wrong with my headlights, Luis should have already taken care of it! Jimmy mentioned that we should take a look once we made it to New Paltz, reminding me that getting a ticket for having a headlight out wouldn’t be a very good way to start our evening!

Cruising down 299 through Lloyd, I made a conscious effort to keep my speed well within the limits. It was nearly 11 PM on a Thursday night, and anyone who drives 299 with any regularity knows that the state troopers are everywhere. It’s been a long time since I got a speeding ticket, and I’d like to keep it that way.

By now, you know what’s coming.

Yup, I see them in the rear view mirror. The flashing lights. But they can’t be for me … there are plenty of other cars, and after all: I’m not speeding. I slide over into the shoulder to let the cruiser pass … and it pulls over right behind me.

Trooper Nielsen was really nice. For once in my life, I told him truthfully that I didn’t know why he’d pulled me over. He advised me of the fact that (thanks Jimmy) my driver’s side headlight was out.

The usual questions ensued. “Where are you going?” “Have you had anything to drink tonight?” And then he asked to see my license, registration and insurance. Uh oh. Because we were going out, I didn’t bring my wallet … and so although I had my license, my registration and insurance cards were safely, uselessly at home on my desk.

Now I’m thinking to myself, “Great. Not one ticket for the headlight, but three tickets for the headlight, no proof of registration, and no proof of insurance.”

The trooper ran my license, came back, and told me to get my headlight changed, drive safely, and have fun at Cabs.

Good cop. Lucky Chris.

Did you ever just need to be hugged, with the feeling that the other person would just hold on as long as you needed? So that you could feel totally, completely, and unabashedly safe and warm?

I love those hugs.